On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
