Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
