So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
