remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
