I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"