Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts