That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
