Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
