Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
