I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
