But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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