I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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