that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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