there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
