My first STD was from a foam party
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
