remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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