he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
