he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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