so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
