Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want her autograph on my taint
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Still dying that you shit outside
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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