The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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