I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
