i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
