Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
