I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
