I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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