im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
