she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
