I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
