Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
