Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
