I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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