i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
