the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
