Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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