Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
