did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
