Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
