how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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