if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize