please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
