they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
