I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
