take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
