Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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