She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
