I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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