You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
