Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
