Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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