I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
