Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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