I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will be naked everywhere
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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