i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
