Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
