in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she looked like the before picture.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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